My Experiences with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

In this blog, Emily writes on her experience of trauma and PTSD

-Emily

CN: discusses difficult topics. 

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) can be caused by a wide range of traumatic experiences, either through being involved in or by witnessing traumatic events. 

You can find out more about the causes, symptoms and treatment for PTSD either on the Mind website, or the NHS website. This blog is going to explain my personal experience with PTSD and how I have dealt with it. 

My PTSD has been caused by an incident I was involved in six months ago which has left me shaken and shocked and scared, but it also happened at the worst possible time. I was about a week away from taking my final exam at university and it was the day before the Swansea Student Media awards evening, which I had been looking forward to for months as it was my final opportunity to attend the annual event. Despite the incident happening six months ago, I have only recently been in discussion with my doctor about PTSD because I didn’t realise that the incident was still affecting me so much, because I’ve been so distracted with everything else. 

Looking back, I don’t think I managed my emotions effectively, shortly after the incident. Even though I am pleased with myself for not completely shutting down, I wish I’d taken more time to let myself feel a bit more. Saying that, in the days after the incident took place, I didn’t get through one day without crying at least once and I learnt that that is normal and completely okay. However, I was also so focused on my exam and what to do after university that I totally pushed the incident out of my mind. 

Recently, I was triggered by something so badly that it was as though that incident happened yesterday, and I was more shaken up by reliving the whole thing all over again. 

Being diagnosed with PTSD has meant that I’ve had to learn to acknowledge what my triggers are and then how to calm myself down if I experience a trigger. This is by no means easy, but it’s a learning process. Not having the focus of university or the support that I had at university has been something that I’ve found difficult with this whole experience. However, one thing that I have found that helps me is to explore the topic of PTSD through creative writing. Furthermore, confiding in people about my struggles and about the incident also helps. 

What I recall from the blurry days after the incident, one of the things that really got me through those difficult, emotional days was the support of people around me at university. I almost considered not attending that awards ceremony but I had people there who made me feel comfortable and safe which I will always appreciate. I also had support and belief from those around me that I could push through and do my final exam and while I didn’t do as well as I wanted to do, I passed and at my graduation in July, I was able to say that I didn’t let that incident get in the way of my goal of graduating. 

This experience has changed my perspective on life significantly. Not only has it taught me that I can get through almost anything, it also taught me who my real friends are. I also learnt that after a traumatic experience, one’s emotions are likely to be all over the place for quite a while afterwards. Like with any mental health difficulty, PTSD takes time to get through and you may find yourself experiencing triggers and flashbacks years down the line. It’s important to recognise these triggers and to know how to deal with them. 

My name is Emily (Em). I have recently graduated from Swansea University with my BA degree in Modern Languages, Translation & Interpreting; I was also passionate about and dedicated to Swansea Student Media and the University students’ newspaper – Waterfront. I blog for Student Minds because I have experienced mental health issues as a student and now as a graduate, as well as other health issues, and I support friends who also have mental health difficulties. I am a passionate writer and writing has been important in my mental health experiences – both in helping me to explore and to cope with my mental health, as well as sharing my story in order to help others.

Understanding negative thought process - and reclaiming control

In this blog, Romana describes different types of thinking processes that can have a negative impact upon your mental health, and explores ways in which we can manage them.

Earlier today when I was walking through town, I felt my nose tingle. Immediately I thought: “Oh my God. I’m going to sneeze. This could cause a nosebleed. Here, in public. I won’t have any tissues and I’ll make a huge mess. I might even faint and have to be taken away in an ambulance. I’ll be stuck in hospital and won’t be able to make my meeting tomorrow.” Upon reflection, this is arguably one of the most ridiculous thought processes that I’ve ever had. But at the time, the threat and the fear felt very real to me.

Every day, many of us get stuck in negative, unhelpful thinking patterns like this. Thoughts that drive fear, panic and low mood. Thoughts that, if we stepped back and actually considered, are doing more bad than good, and might not be entirely reasonable.

The type of thinking that I have described above is called catastrophic thinking: taking a small situation and blowing it out of proportion. This thinking pattern is very common in those of us with anxiety disorders. Another common example for me could be when I struggle with a coursework question, and I will immediately think: “I can’t do this. I will fail this coursework, and then the whole module. My degree grade will slip, and I won’t be good enough to get the graduate job that I want.” With this completely skewed outlook, it’s no wonder that we begin to feel anxious and panic.

Another negative thinking pattern is black or white thinking: an either/or mentality, where we fail to see that there are grey areas in-between the black and white. This kind of thinking involves a lot of ‘never’ and ‘always’ statements: “I am never comfortable in social situations” or “I always fail at essays”. Everything is negative or positive, and we fail to see that there is a middle ground. For me, my black or white thinking is paired with depression. On my least productive days I will think: “No way will I get a first-class degree, I am going to fail”. This leads me to feelings of helplessness and hopeless, not recognising that there are grades between first-class and failure.

There are lots of negative thinking patterns like this. Unrealistic expectations: “I need to get a first in every exam, nothing less is good enough”. Self-blame: “My housemate seems irritated, it must be something I said”. Disqualifying the positive: “My grade was good, but I probably just got lucky”. These distorted thinking patterns are all linked to mental health disorders, so it is worth researching them and finding which ones you can recognise in yourself. This way, you are in a position to change your thinking and reduce your anxiety.

What we really need to do is catch these thought processes and challenge them. Question them. Ask, “What is my evidence for thinking this way, and is it reasonable?” I have found that learning more about distorted thinking has been very helpful in understanding my anxiety. It makes me feel in control, which is something that many of us with anxiety feel we are lacking.

So, if you haven’t already, I would encourage you to learn more about and become engaged with your negative thinking – you may be able to understand and help yourself much better.

My name is Romana, and I am a fourth year Maths student at the University of Exeter. I have never been one to open up about my struggles with mental health, but I have decided to write for the Student Minds blog as a way to express and understand what I have been going through, as well as to hopefully bring reassurance to others who are feeling as I have.

When Molehills Become Mountains

Katherine shares her tips on how to deal with overthinking. 

- Katherine Lund

I overthink EVERYTHING. I worry all the time. I worry about what I said, what I didn’t say, whether to go to a party or stay in and watch a film, what to wear, how to act, how to be and what to say. I ask myself so many questions. I think of the what-ifs and should-I-have’s. I over-analyse and I self-destruct. I make mountains out of molehills. But I can’t help it. Or can I?

Over the last few years I’ve come up with ways to stop myself overthinking.

They’ve helped so much that now I am able to stop myself, pause, and have more control. So here are my tips…

I stop comparing myself to other people.

I used to do this especially around my sister. Now, I say we’re completely different people. We’ve had different experiences. I’ve had various issues I’ve had to deal with and those have been massively important in shaping who I am today. Everyone is different. What might be your strong suit might be your best friends’ weakness and vice versa. Don’t compare when you don’t have a reason to compare.

I stop thinking about the worst that can happen, and start thinking about the best outcome.

When I get into that horrible mindset of thinking about all of the negative things that could happen, I shift my focus to what could go right. It’s all positive.

I try not to be a perfectionist. 

It’s great to be ambitious. That’s fantastic. But perfection is not going to happen. It’s like ‘fetch’ in Mean Girls… It’s never gunna happen. Just face it. Tip: Mean Girls is a great film. Watch it.

I found friends that love and support me for who I am.

They help me challenge that inner critic, so I can be a more confident, and less self-deprecating human being. Choose your friends wisely. A good friend is someone that appreciates you for who you are, not who you pretend to be.

I try not to think about the future too much.

I find that instead of making me feel good, it makes me anxious and worried. Live in the present. The ‘here and now’, as my therapist used to say. If you’re constantly thinking about the future, you’re not spending enough time focusing on yourself now. And what’s going on in your life now. Or what’s making you happy now. Live in the moment. Try not to look ahead too much. It’s tiring and isn’t actually that productive in the long run.

When I find myself overthinking something, I ask myself how much it will matter in the next few months, or days, or even hours.

Usually, it doesn’t matter in the slightest. Something like which biscuit to buy at Tesco – yeah I might not have the best type of biscuit for dipping in my tea, but does it really matter? Will it ruin my day? No. You can dip any biscuit into tea. It’s still going to be yummy. Next time you’re worried about overthinking something, take a step back and work out how much it will affect you in the long run. I bet it won’t be as much of a deal as you thought it was.

Finally, I don’t think about plan B, because that makes me feel rubbish. 

Instead, I tweak plan A a little. In fact, I screw plan B all together.

Hi I’m Kat! I’m a mental health blogger from Norwich, and current university student at UEA. I write about everything, from student stress to sexuality, from anxiety to relationships. I love writing because it helps me in my recovery, but also because it can help other people too! I can’t wait to share my stories with you.

You can find more support on anxiety here.

What do I do after graduation?

Manuela writes about the uncertainty and anxiety of employment after uni, and the importance of self-care.

- Manuela

“I took the first job I could and ended up in a far worse state than I would have after a few more months at home working out what would make me happy”.

After Graduation - What Happens?

Once my course had finished, I clung by my fingernails to my tiny London flat until, jobless and bored stiff, I was collected by my parents after graduation. They whisked me back to the middle of rural nowhere, where I set up camp with my laptop and a notepad, and tried to think of what I’d learned over the past three years that might be an employable skill…. And so began the toughest year I’ve had to date.

My boyfriend and most of my friends had another year to go until graduation; to me it was imperative that I find a way back to them in London. But my greatest fear wasn’t loneliness, it was lack of identity. For the past three years I’d put “student” as my occupation, and for the past 19 years of my life my raison d'être was to fill my tiny head with knowledge. Now that I’d run out of things to learn, who was I now?

I had no idea whatsoever what I might enjoy, or what I would be good at in the “real world”. Through trial and error, I eventually discovered a job title for which the description seemed to fit my personality, and the benefits and starting salary seemed unbelievably generous. I landed my first interview for the position of “junior recruitment consultant”. Manuela - 1 : Hopelessness - 0. I was convinced I was on the road to success now. But I hadn’t stopped to consider what would make me happy…. 

Losing Myself to Work 

Fast-forward through a whirlwind of sickening interviews and miserable morning commutes, I’m a fledgling recruiter and I hate my life. I was balancing my job with rowing, a boyfriend and friends all still at university, staying “in shape” and job hunting for the mystery career that, I believed, would be my ticket to happiness. These were all leftovers from my former student life; I couldn’t throw them away. Most of my support network still being at university, I had nobody to benchmark against and nobody to recognise, when I couldn’t, exactly when “not OK” turned into “really not OK”. I was crying on the tube to and from work, at rowing I was terrified of messing up and consequently my performance plummeted. The only time my boyfriend and I could see each other was the occasional weekday evening and our relationship had started to nose-dive. I couldn’t remember what I used to be like at university, or what I was supposed to be looking for now. 

I hadn’t found a permanent flat, so I didn’t have a GP, let alone the time to go and see one. So it wasn’t until I finally turned to Google that I discovered there was a name for what I was feeling: anxiety. I’d never suffered from a mental health problem before - I struggled coming to terms with it so I sat on the problem for a while hoping it would go away. It took me another four months before I booked a doctors’ appointment, by which time, I’d handed my manager my notice. 

I wouldn’t want anyone else who’s just graduated to make the same mistake as me. I was petrified of reaching September - the month I’ve always started a new term or school or subject - and finding myself trapped at home, doing absolutely nothing and feeling like I was worth even less. I took the first job I could and ended up in a far worse state than I would have after a few more months at home working out what would make me happy. 

Finding What Matters 

Now I’m in the exact same position as this time last year, but this time around, I’m backing myself. If spending my days in an office, or working in London will make me feel the way I felt, then I’m going to have enough self-respect and confidence to turn my back on that lifestyle. I’m going by trial and error again, but this time I’m trying my hand at freelance writing, trying to make enough to fund a lifestyle where I can spend the majority of my time outdoors. This time a year ago I didn’t believe I’d be good enough for a dream job if I did find it, let alone be confident enough to slow down and work out what I really valued. Now I respect myself enough to do what makes me feel good about myself. 

A job is a job, it will give you money, yes, and something to put on your LinkedIn. But if it’s going to be the thing you rely on to give you value and purpose, I’d urge you to stop for a moment. 

You don’t need a title to tell you you’re enough. Do what makes you happy.

I'm Manuela and I'm a King's College London graduate. I had excellent mental health until after university, when I immediately started suffering from anxiety. I'm sharing my experiences of struggling during the period immediately after university when most people lose the support they had while studying. I'm hopeful that by sharing my story and advice I'll be able to help people going through a similar experience realize that they're not alone.

You can find more support on anxiety here. Image taken from here.

‘But I’m not depressed enough’: Don’t wait for crisis point to seek help

Romana writes about her experiences of mental health difficulties and the importance of recognising the signs, speaking up early and asking for help.

- Romana

‘By allowing myself to reach such a low point of my life before I finally got help, I made my recovery so much harder than it needed to be’.

I always knew that I was probably a little depressed. I displayed plenty of symptoms; low mood and self-esteem, avoiding social events, feelings of emptiness, self-harm. But, I was in a good relationship, I had good friends, and often, I was genuinely quite happy. Plus, I argued that because I didn’t match every symptom, I was probably coping fine. I didn’t struggle to concentrate. I was quite often tired, yes, but that was probably normal. And I definitely wasn’t suicidal. ‘There are people out there who are really struggling’, I thought, ‘I’m not depressed enough’. 

However, a friend urged me to visit a counsellor. I went, and I started a 6-week course of CBT. Although this was probably the right thing to do, I didn’t really engage with the therapy. I liked sitting down and talking to somebody about my thoughts, but I made no effort outside of the sessions. I didn’t attempt the activities that the therapist recommended. I didn’t journal my thoughts and feelings, or push myself to go to any social events. I just thought: I don’t need to have my life organised by a counsellor, I’m not depressed enough’.

When therapy ended, I carried on as I had been. I’m hardworking, so I spent a lot of time at university studying. I didn’t join any societies, I didn’t do any sports, and I definitely didn’t socialize if I could help it. Instead I would mostly just work alone in my room. I was putting immense pressure on myself to succeed and, coupled with my consistent low mood, it became a very delicate emotional balance; one which was nearly at tipping point. 

During exam season, I was confident. But then one day, I was having lunch alone, and I had a terrible panic attack. I was terrified: it felt like my entire mind and existence were falling away from me. Sitting in bed with a cup of tea afterwards, I had another. Then, that evening during dinner, another. My mind connected the dots in the wrong places, and I blamed mealtimes for this awful panic that I was feeling. The obvious solution seemed to stop eating. By my final exam, I was weak, overwhelmingly anxious, and felt like I might break down at any second. Somehow, I made it through the two-hour exam, but by the next day I had been taken home from university very ill. 

I spent the entire summer attempting to recover, trying to crawl out of the hole that I had fallen into. The hardest part was overcoming my fear of eating. I was referred to the psychiatric liaison team at the hospital, and then to the depression and anxiety service. At this point, I was really struggling. I felt helpless, and without hope. I found it hard to envision my future anymore, and struggled to fathom how I could ever be happy again. Gradually, my wellbeing improved over the three months of summer, and I was able to return to university for my final year. 

To get to where I am now has been such a long and difficult journey. By allowing myself to reach such a low point of my life before I finally got help, I made my recovery so much harder than it needed to be. Rather than accepting the help of a therapist early on, or reaching out and talking to my parents about how I felt, it took letting myself completely break down before I finally believed that I was depressed enough for help. 

The reality is: any behaviour, thoughts or feelings that are out of the ordinary for you are worth your attention. Whether your diet and sleep patterns are suffering; or you can’t find the energy to socialize anymore; or maybe sometimes your mind wanders to dark places. Ask yourself why this is happening, and make an effort to change it. It is so important not to ignore how you’re feeling, just because you don’t match all the symptoms, or because you don’t believe that your problems are valid enough. Maintaining a positive wellbeing is always important, and I can’t emphasize enough how important it is to speak up and ask for help as soon as you notice that something is wrong. 

You can find more support on depression here, anxiety here, and eating disorders here. 

My name is Romana, and I am a fourth year Maths student at the University of Exeter. I have never been one to open up about my struggles with mental health, but I have decided to write for the Student Minds blog as a way to express and understand what I have been going through, as well as to hopefully bring reassurance to others who are feeling as I have.

#DearFresherMe: Eating disorder recovery, finding balance and self-compassion

In this blog, Ana reflects on the advice she’d give her younger self on starting university with a history of mental health difficulties and learning to thrive in a time of big change and transition. 

Moving to university having suffered from an eating disorder can seem an anxious and lonely prospect. Universities place a big emphasis on socialising, which inevitably includes eating and drinking. This terrified me before leaving home: what if my eating disorder stopped me from meeting new people and not being as social as I was expected to be? Making your own food can also be really hard. The newfound independence and responsibility makes it easy to revert into old habits, and the fear of people watching me eat or commenting on my food preferences all played a part in the nervous emotions I felt leaving home.

So, as I head into my final year, what would I say to my fresher self now?

First of all, everyone has their own thing going on. People aren’t really too bothered about your odd habits or irrational insecurities. Everyone is scared, everyone is anxious and everyone is probably in the same boat, having some sort of fear. In a kind of weird way, it’s nice to remember this because it can make you feel less alien, and less alone. So just trust yourself!

Secondly, and most importantly, I would tell myself to have fun. University is a once in a life time experience. There’s so much to learn, so take advantage of that. Keep busy, find new hobbies, meet new people, and soon enough, the fears you had leaving home won’t seem so scary. You’ll end up spending the holidays waiting to go back to your student city, back to your friends, and back to studying what you love!

Having said all that, there will be days where things are difficult, and you can feel lonely. It may seem like no one understands what’s going through your head. Sometimes you just want to stay in and have time to yourself or do something to unwind. This is totally normal, and Yoga and Meditation societies often have plenty of members keen to take a step back and enjoy some time to chill. 

No matter what you feel, there is always support and someone you can talk to. There will always be someone who ‘gets’ it, whether you final them in a mental health society or amongst your flatmates. The wellbeing departments at university also offer amazing support: they understand that university can be a fun but challenging time, and the big changes can continue to affect you even once you’ve settled in. Don’t be afraid to reach out. It’s normal to struggle sometimes, and as much as everyone else seems to be having fun, almost all of us will feel a bit blue at some point throughout the year. 

Finally, find the balance of you-time and having fun. They’re both as important as each other. Before you know it, you’ll be in your graduation gown thinking, where did the time go?!

I’m a third year Drama student at University of Exeter, and have loved my time at uni. There have been ups and downs but I wouldn’t change a thing. I am hoping to share my experience of my own mental health struggles in order to reassure someone moving to university that everything always works out!

#DearFresherMe: Making friends, switching courses and missing home

In this blog, Laura shares the advice she'd give her younger self about starting university and managing all the challenges along the way.

When it comes to friends, it’s about quality not quantity.

In the first few weeks everybody talks to everybody, but real friendships stand the test of time. Finding your tribe is a tricky process, so it’s okay if your first friends at university don’t last beyond the first term. It might take a while to meet your people, but at the end of the day true friendships bring out the best in you; a handful of close buddies will get you through far more than a thousand Facebook friends will.

Feeling lonely and homesick is much more common than people will have you believe.

I cannot stress this enough. No matter what people say, everyone will – at some point – miss their home or their mum or their dog or their bed. Going to university rips you out of your comfort zone and throws you in the deep end. It’s absolutely normal to miss your home life.

First year is unlikely to be the best year.

In a twist of fate, my final year was actually the best of them all. I truly loved the city, I knew campus like the back of my hand, and I lived with the most wonderful friends I could ask for. In comparison, my first year was extremely average: I was self-conscious and insecure; I missed my boyfriend from home; I was lonely and homesick; and I didn’t know how to talk to anyone about what I was feeling. Although I did have a lot of fun, and the newfound independence and freedom was exciting, it was also unsettling and for a lot of the time I didn’t feel all that good. This is normal. It takes a while to find your place, so don’t freak out if first year isn’t everything you hoped for.

You can change your mind about your course.

I began studying joint honours but dropped to single honours in my final year. One of my friends actually changed degrees twice. At eighteen, deciding what to study for the next three years, or more, of your life and potentially directing your career, is a big ask and not everyone gets it right the first time. Most universities allow students to change courses within the first few weeks, but if it gets beyond that, and you’re still not happy, talk to your tutors and they will help you. You’re investing a lot of time and money into your degree, so it’s important to study something you love.

Comparison is the thief of joy.

When it comes to social media, people are only putting out what they want you to see. So when it looks like someone is having the absolute time of their life, it’s easy to compare. You might start thinking that you aren’t having enough fun, or you haven’t made enough friends, or you’re the only one in the country who isn’t actually enjoying university, but I can assure you this is not the case. Take everything you see online with a pinch of salt; it’s just a snapshot of a life and things are rarely as hunky dory as they seem.

Look after your mental and physical health.

Above everything, this is the most important thing to remember. Do the really boring stuff like sign up to the GP and make sure you know what emotional support is available if needed. Most universities have counselling services, support groups and mental health advisers whose sole purpose is to support you; never be afraid to ask for help.

My name's Laura and I'm a postgraduate student at Bournemouth University. I'm writing for Student Minds to share my experience of mental health difficulties at university and to encourage others to reach out for support.

#DearFresherMe: 5 Tips on how to maintain mental wellbeing

Emily writes about the experience of starting University, and gives five tips on how to maintain mental wellbeing.

- Emily

Having finished my degree and graduated from Swansea University this summer, and having a younger brother preparing to return to Swansea for his second year, I have found myself feeling disappointed that I’m not one of those students either excitedly looking forward to going back to University, or anticipating starting University for the first time. 

If I could rewind the past five years and start my time at Swansea University all over again, I would. There are some things that I would definitely do differently, and there are some things that I wish I knew when I started University. 

1) Firstly, I would not try so hard to “fit in”. My thing has absolutely never been nights out involving alcohol and clubs and bars. In my first year, I paid so much money for a Freshers’ wristband and I only went to one event, which I ended up leaving almost as soon as I arrived because I had a panic attack. It wasn’t until I joined the Hogwarts society halfway during the first term that I really started to settle in a bit more, and make close friends. 

2) Secondly, if I could relive my entire University experience again, I would try to make more of my compulsory year abroad. Whilst I feel that my mental health difficulties prevented me from getting the most out of it, studying abroad is such a fantastic and valuable opportunity, so I would still definitely recommend it!

3) Thirdly, I would definitely get involved with Student Media opportunities a lot sooner than I did. Being involved with Swansea Student Media, especially the students’ newspaper – Waterfront – was something that I got so much out of and became extremely passionate about and just enjoyed it so very much. I would make the most of such opportunities and other volunteering or work experience opportunities. 

4) Fourthly, if I could do University again, I think I would focus on myself a lot more, in terms of relationships, my sexuality and discovering who I am. I spent too much time trying to impress people who perhaps, in hindsight, I definitely should not have been trying so hard to impress. Instead, I would try to love myself more.

5) Finally, I think I would tell myself to just focus on my own journey, my own degree, and my own experiences and to try not to worry about having to impress people whether it’s friends, family, colleagues etc.! Also, I would remind myself that it’s okay to change my mind about what I want to do after graduation! 

We go to University with our own priorities, looking to experience different things and some people struggle to adapt more than others do. One of the main things that I have taken from my University journey is that it’s perfectly okay to put myself first, and not worry so much about trying to fit in and impress other people.

You can find more support on starting university, and managing some of the challenges it brings, here. 

My name is Emily (Em). I have recently graduated from Swansea University with my BA degree in Modern Languages, Translation & Interpreting; I was also passionate about and dedicated to Swansea Student Media and the University students’ newspaper – Waterfront. I blog for Student Minds because I have experienced mental health issues as a student and now as a graduate, as well as other health issues, and I support friends who also have mental health difficulties. I am a passionate writer and writing has been important in my mental health experiences – both in helping me to explore and to cope with my mental health, as well as sharing my story in order to help others.

Talk Club: asking for help

Michael writes about what the film Fight Club can teach us about mental health.

- Michael

Fighting Myself

For a long time, I found Uni really tough. It was definitely made tougher though, I see now, by my total reluctance to ask for help. I suffered in silence, spiralling into despair as I increasingly struggled to fight my own thoughts. I remember a concerned staff member speaking to me. They suggested that I should go to the counselling service. “There is no point going to counselling”, I told them dismissively. ‘It’s a waste of time’. “I don’t want to talk about it, I just want to do something!” This desire for action at times of difficulty is understandable and it can, of course, be very healthy to take appropriate action to change certain circumstances in your life if they are causing you excess stress and distress. But it can become damaging if, like me, this desire to do something stops you from wanting to face up to, and talk about, your feelings. Taking action is not the problem here – but viewing action as a ‘quick fix’ to our emotional problems can cause problems if it stops us from talking about them. By reflecting on the film Fight Club, I hope to show how destructive prioritising action over talking can be (especially for men) and why we shouldn’t be dismissive about asking for help.

Fighting the Expectations

I think men can be particularly susceptible to this view (due, in large part, to the emotionally repressive barriers to talking about feelings imposed by the ‘rules’ of masculinity – I have posted on this before). I certainly remember having some vague (and false) preconception that, when times are hard, women talk about it and men deal with it on their own. Research suggests that men are less likely to talk to a friend, family member or professional about their mental health, and are less likely to value, seek or access talking therapies than women - tending, instead, towards self-destructive and harmful behaviours (see www.menshealthforum.org.uk).

Fight Club

Fight Club, on the surface, seemed to suggest the perfect outlet to me; a form of therapy based solely on action and not talking (after all, the first rule of Fight Club is that ‘you do not talk about Fight Club’). For me, the film symbolised an easy way to express difficult emotions that was, at last, actually permitted, indeed encouraged, by the rules of masculinity. In the film, as in my own mind at the time, fight club was man therapy (contrasted with the supposedly futile and feminised talking therapies in the opening scenes). It was not necessarily that I wanted to fight (although there were times when I projected my internal fight onto external sources). It was more that I just wanted to do something, anything, to break out of and distract myself from my own thoughts, no matter how much pain it brought. In Fight Club, having fought, the character’s problems seem muted, insignificant even. They claim to feel better and more self-aware. But, as the group mutates into an anti-capitalist terrorist organisation, the film shows us how the therapy offered by fight club can be dangerous and illusionary. By the end, the two protagonists have morphed into an alter-ego fighting each other. Their fight is self-destructive. In the same way, by refusing to ask for help and trying to take action to fight my feelings on my own, I was only fighting myself.

Talk Club

After finally seeking professional help, I now have a different view of counselling and talking about feelings more generally. We shouldn’t dismiss talking as inferior to action, because talking is itself a form of action. By this, I mean that when I eventually did talk to someone, it opened up new positive actions that, trapped in my own self-destructive thought patterns, hadn’t occurred to me before. Talking (and indeed blog writing) helped me to (re)order my thoughts and reach a new understanding of the experiences that I was finding tough. Fight the stigma not yourself: speak out and ask for help.

About Michael:

Hi, I'm Michael. I'm a postgraduate student at Durham. I want to write for Student Minds to share my own experiences of depression and anxiety and tackle the stigma around mental health.Some useful links if you're looking for support:Nightline - Student Listening signposting service, who can help you on your way to finding support. Find your uni Nightline ​here HopeLineUK - phone service for young people, staffed by professionals T: 08000684141 E: ​pat@papyrus-uk.org

How Being Mindful of My Judgements of Others Helped Me Manage Anxiety

Ethan explores how mindfulness, while not always the quick and easy solution to mental health struggles it is often claimed to be, helped him with his depression and anxiety.

- Ethan

I’m sure we’ve all heard of the word ‘mindfulness’ by now, a very popular buzzword that is often presented as a quick solution to many common mental health struggles. But, because of how often mindfulness is portrayed as a seemingly effortless solution, it can be frustrating when our issues are not immediately solved upon a first attempt to be mindful. As a result, to many, it can seem like a futile exercise. 

Before starting University, intrigued by this illusive practice that promised to make me happier, I picked up one of many books on mindfulness: G. Hasson’s ‘Mindfulness: Be mindful. Live in the moment.’As I was reading through it, it all seemed to make sense; take time to breathe, don’t let your thoughts run wild, and keep calm when facing new situations. Even though this all sounded very idealistic and unachievable, I began to dedicate periods of time to mindfulness – like a form of meditation but while doing other things – into my life. 

However, after coming to university and facing struggles with depression and constant self-deprecating thoughts, living a mindful life couldn’t have seemed more unrealistic. I became very fixated on my appearance, as it was something I could use to control how people viewed me and to hide how I really felt. Before leaving my room, I would first shower, then meticulously iron my clothes and lather my hair with gel, not allowing one hair to be out of place. 

This constant self-criticism and surveillance of my appearance didn’t end when I got ready for the day. Leaving my room only ramped-up my anxiety. Not feeling great about your appearance doesn’t pair well with having low confidence with what’s on the inside too. I also found that if I caught myself judging other people on the way they looked, talked, or presented themselves, I would evoke a feeling of guilt in myself. I felt horrible about how quickly my mind leapt to judgments of others; it was unfair of me to label them, or think less of them, and doing so, in turn, made me think less of myself. 

It was at this time that I began trying again to incorporate more bursts of mindfulness into my life, but nothing too significant or frustrating to overwhelm myself. I began simply being mindful of my judgments of others before I even began to try to be mindful of my own thoughts or life. Of course, it is difficult at first to control the judgments that pop into our heads. At first, I tried my best to pass positive judgments on others. Perhaps I would identify a nice piece of clothing, or the happy mood they appeared to be in, without being too envious of either. I then began to try to imagine and empathise with the identity struggles that they may also be facing. I found it beneficial to just look at each person as a human trying to get by, rather than the veil that they presented themselves behind. 

After practicing this more, and guilting myself less for judging others, I had found a beneficial way to practice mindfulness. I felt like I had imposed some sense of control over my thoughts, rather than letting them run riot as it is so easy for us to do. I could then put this into practice with my own appearance, negative thoughts, and stressful situations, helping me to manage my anxious thoughts a bit more each day. 

Hey, I'm Ethan! Having not found the past few years a breeze, as few people do, and struggling along the journey to know myself and where I'd like for my life to take me, I thought I'd share my experiences and the lessons I've learnt from for others going through similar struggles, in hope that you also get a better idea of how you want to experience life. I'm currently studying Philosophy and Politics at UEA.

Finding Myself

Ben shares his experiences before and after being diagnosed with Autism and how he coped with it. 

- Ben

To introduce myself; I am Ben Tipton. I live in Shrewsbury, England and I’m a primary education student who’s aspiring to be a teacher, and I have Autism. My journey before and after being diagnosed with Autism was far from easy, or what I would have wanted. So, this post will explain my journey up until my diagnosis and what has changed since then.

From the age of about 5 or 6, my parents knew I was different in how I thought and behaved. I was naughtier than what was expected and a lot more hyper your standard 6-year-old child. Throughout my primary school I was bullied for acting differently and I was incredibly sensitive to little comments other kids made.

Numerous doctors appointments followed this, and I remember not really knowing what was going on. 

When I turned 11 suddenly my sleeping changed. I had constant nightmares and I developed insomnia. I was also bullied in secondary school and this got severely worse too. However, despite the counselling, both in and out of school, a diagnosis never ever came. 

At the age of 16, I had a huge panic attack before an AS level exam and ended up having a week off from college. This resulted in a psychiatric assessment and it was then that I was diagnosed with Social Anxiety. There was more counselling yet again, but I never ever improved, and this made life at home severely difficult as my family didn’t think I was trying to get better! However, I can assure you all, I really was! 

Finally, after further years of counselling with no improvement in my mental health plus a suicide attempt, I reached out for support. I spoke to my best friend, my grandad, who is my hero, and my sister and they recommended that I got tested for Autism! I was 19 years old at the time and my sister accompanied me to the doctors on July 17th 2014 (I will always remember that day). At that visit I was told that it could take up to a year to be diagnosed! A YEAR TO BE DIAGNOSED WAS, AND STILL IS A DISGRACE!! So as a result, my parents went private and I was finally diagnosed on the 16th of August! 

That was the day that my life changed for the good! I became me, the man who had aspirations and no longer had to worry about things when he wasn’t making improvements in the way he acted!

I became happier over night, I became more confident after a few months and began to accept who I was, and ultimately why being Autistic makes me different in so many positive ways! I can confidently say that I am proud to be Autistic! 

In addition to this, I am proud to be studying to be a teacher while also working as a teaching assistant at a primary school. I truly do love my job which is the dream job for this stage of my career. 

I can only thank everyone for the support in my journey up until this point and I genuinely look forward to blogging for this brilliant charity, Student Minds! I also have my own blog which is called The Autistic Referee so if you get a chance, check it out too! 

Until next time,

Ben.

I am an aspiring Primary School Teacher based in Shropshire, England. I was diagnosed with Autism in 2014 at 19 years of age and since then my journey to being a teacher started. I am a huge sports fan and a firm believer in exercise helping mental health and improving self esteem. I am passionate about everyone recognising their own individual talents.

You Didn't Fail Anyone

Rachel shares her experience of how even through tough times, mental health difficulties do not have to limit your success. 

- Rachel

I was eleven when my Granddad passed away. 

One conversation with him in those last few months stuck with me. 

At eleven, I had already decided I wanted to be a writer, and when Granddad told me he wanted me to go to Oxford to study English, I informed him that was already a part of My Life Plan.

(I was a cocky, annoying eleven-year-old.)

I never expected to spend time bouncing in and out of doctor’s offices, hospitals, and psychiatric wards, but I did. My focus, grades, and attendance all dropped. 

My Life Plan inevitably collapsed. 

I would later be diagnosed with anxiety, depression and ADHD, which would also add to the development of Emotionally Unstable (or Borderline) Personality Disorder. While I won't go into the details of these disorders, they had a massive effect on my life, particularly in my first year of University.  I barely attended anything in my first term and resigned myself to failure. I didn't submit assignments or make many friends, and mostly just drank alone. I wasn't in Oxford. I didn't have three A-Levels. I didn't have a good relationship with practically anyone. I eventually dropped out of first year entirely. 

I was living the opposite to My Life Plan.

I convinced myself that I was a failure, and that I had no value to anyone. I no longer even thought of the future, as if it wasn't going to be perfect, I believed I wouldn't have one at all. But there isn't a time limit on success. I thought that I had to have everything together by the time I was twenty-five, otherwise I'd failed. I was so full of guilt, I was ready to throw away my whole life. But along with psychiatric help and medication, I slowly began to understand my mental state, and get myself out of it. 

A symptom of EU/BPD is 'black and white thinking', AKA seeing a situation as entirely good or entirely bad. While this can be a symptom of EU/BPD, I believe it's something many people can relate to.

'If I can't be the best at something, why do it at all?'

'If I don't succeed, then I have failed.'

I saw myself as only a failure over that first year after dropping out of university. Ultimately, I learned that even at your absolute worst, you're still capable of good. I forced myself to accept the fact that I had done bad things, but I was still capable of change. My future didn't have to be empty. 

The world isn't goodies vs baddies. You aren't successful or unsuccessful. 

I'm now back in University, breaking for summer after first year. No, I may not be in Oxford. I didn't get all of my A Levels. It's likely that I'll continue to deal with mental health symptoms for a while yet. I've had to defer some of my assignments due to my health this year.

That's okay. 

I'm sure my Granddad would have loved it if I did achieve My Life Plan by twenty-five.

But I bet he wanted me to be kind, hardworking and happy even more.

Hello! I’m Rachel, a 19 year old Creative Writing student originally from Wales, currently studying at DeMontfort in Leicester. I am diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, ADHD, anxiety and depression.