Men’s Mental Health: Difficulties Opening up about Mental Health in Relationships

Ethan shares his difficulties of opening up about mental health when in a relationship, due to the expectations society places on men.

- Ethan

As a student, it is clear to see that our generation are spearheading the effort to create a more equal and accepting society for ourselves, and recognising and combating issues with the way that we treat each other as humans. Coming to University, I feel that this appreciation for each other and our differences is more prominent than anywhere else, and it is becoming much easier for individuals to express themselves however they please.

Of course, society is not perfect, and gender roles still prove to be instilled in the minds of even young people, such as ourselves and can be hard to let go of. At University, where sex becomes a priority for many people for the first times, women can feel that it is expected of them to be elegantly feminine and men, aggressively masculine.

While there is clearly an issue with the expectations that society places on women, it is the pressures that men are held under which I would like to discuss. In societies of the not-so-distant past, men were expected to be the breadwinner of the family; going out to work, providing for and protecting his family, and never making a fuss about it. This has recognisably changed, and women more than ever are building successful careers of their own. Domestic life is also changing, and women are no longer expected to assume complete responsibility of household tasks as well as raising children by herself.

Having been in two relationships myself, I am more than happy to take responsibility of previously ‘womanly’ tasks, and take pride in supporting my partner in their individual achievements and career advancements; solely because I see no reason why I should be any superior, or my partner inferior, within a relationship.

Despite my efforts to avoid excessively typical gender expectations within my relationships, it is hard to battle the expectation I place on myself to protect and remain strong for my partner. It is not through doubt that my partner can’t take care of herself, but instinctively I feel the need to always be on the lookout, ready to protect her at all times.

To convince myself and my partner of this strength, I also feel the need to shelter certain emotions, or signs of instability or unpredictability. Having struggled with mental health difficulties in the past, and these experiences having been so formative of my character, I have discussed this past with my partners. However, I feel the need to keep it as just that, my past. If I ever feel a turbulence striking up again, I concern myself that I would worry my partner, that they would no longer see me as the stable rock that they need to support them when facing their own struggles.

For this reason, I feel it can be very difficult for men to feel comfortable when opening up about struggles that they are facing, through fear of showing cracks in the continually strong persona that we attempt to represent ourselves as. Despite this, the reality is that many women do want a partner that isn’t afraid to show these cracks, and that in some ways is conveying a courage of its own. I myself attempt in little ways to share my feelings in comfortable bursts, as it is important to remind ourselves that our partners and our friends really do care about us and want us to recognise struggles that we’re facing, in order to help ourselves and to help them help us.

Hey, I'm Ethan! Having not found the past few years a breeze, as few people do, and struggling along the journey to know myself and where I'd like for my life to take me, I thought I'd share my experiences and the lessons I've learnt from for others going through similar struggles, in hope that you also get a better idea of how you want to experience life. 

I'm currently studying Philosophy and Politics at UEA

Stigmas of Autism

Ben shares his experience of the stigma surrounding Autism and suggests ways he thinks this can be prevented. 

- Ben

So, the way society is at times, sadly creates a stigma on mental health and disabilities. So many people are afraid to be open about them, whether that be depression, anxiety, autism, Asperger’s, or bipolar disorder, just to name a few. Why is this the case though? Is this an okay thing to happen? Just 2 questions which need to be answered.

Sadly, when I was first diagnosed with Autism, someone who I thought was a friend, called me numerous things, such as “Retard”, “Mental” and “Freak”. Those comments are NOT OKAY! They are simply disgusting and ignorant and it’s fair to say, I no longer have contact with that person.

The issue is, that I am not the only one who has gone through times such as those. Society allows people to think like that because of the lack of education around mental health difficulties and illnesses. Admittedly, mental health programmes looking at conditions similar to those mentioned above, are becoming more prominent. However, is a TV programme really enough to educate and inform people? Probably not.

In my opinion, topics such as these need to be taught in secondary education. By informing children about mental health, these stigmas which are constant with every generation could be reduced. If children understood the issues, when they go into adulthood they would have a better understanding of what they entail. I personally believe that as a result of this, society would become stronger, more knowledgeable and ultimately, more respectful.

Why do these stigmas exist?

These stigmas exist due to a lack of awareness, lack of education and ultimately, old fashioned views. People need to look into those 3 reasons and see how things can change. Admittedly everyone is entitled to an opinion, but there is having an opinion and being a horrible person.

Is it okay to happen? 

In short, NO! People need to change and support those who are struggling because you never know when you will need that support yourself.

Admittedly this post is rather opinionated and passionate, but I’m a passionate person and truly believe in working hard to reduce mental health difficulties and illnesses being seen as a taboo subject.

Once again, Thank you for reading.

Until next time,

Ben

I am an aspiring Primary School Teacher based in Shropshire, England. I was diagnosed with Autism in 2014 at 19 years of age and since then my journey to being a teacher started. I am a huge sports fan and a firm believer in exercise helping mental health and improving self esteem. I am passionate about everyone recognising their own individual talents.

Opening up about Men's Mental Health: Michael

In order to tackle problems with men's mental health, we need to redefine our expectations and understanding of masculinity.

- Michael

Tell Us about Yourself

Having completed my BA and MA at Durham University, I began a PhD in October studying the relationship between education policy and student mental health. I regularly volunteer both with the Samaritans, and a local suicide prevention, intervention and support charity called If U Care Share Foundation. Student mental health and wellbeing is very important to me and I am running the Edinburgh Marathon in May to fundraise for Student Minds.

Do you think there is a stigma attached to men talking about mental health? Why? 

In my view, the stigma that is attached to men talking about mental health is produced through the language we use. This manifest in both how we talk about men and, consequently, in talking about men’s mental health. In his book How Not to Be a Boy, Robert Webb reflects on the way that social narratives of masculinity condition men into believing that certain thoughts, feelings, and behaviours are abnormal. Webb suggests that men act and interact according to certain socially accepted rules of masculinity. For example, that men do not cry, that men do not discuss feelings, that men get into fights, that men like girls, and that men obsess about sport. Men can find themselves defined and valued by their physical and emotional strength. These rules then tend to place conflict and competition at the centre of male relationships. 

There are ultimately, I believe, two perceived consequences for men talking about mental health. First, men become uncomfortable or unable to discuss feelings together. Men repress ‘unacceptable’ feelings such as sadness, embarrassment or fear and these feelings can become either hidden from view or visible only as anger, arrogance or deflective humour. Secondly, men that do talk about feelings together are stigmatised as un-masculine, inadequate, or even homosexual. Talking about feelings is considered abnormal and weak, and men’s discomfort can result in frustration or humour projected onto those expressing them. 

Ultimately then, I believe that, not only does the narrative of masculinity make it especially difficult for men to talk openly about mental health, it can actually produce poor mental health. It creates certain damaging expectations of men and mentally unhealthy ways of coping with emotional distress (such as silence, violence, alcohol etc.). 

What made you decide to be open about your own mental health?

I hope that in opening up about my own mental health, other men will feel more confident to do the same. It is only by having an honest and open conversation about men’s mental health that we can learn from each other and make positive changes. 

What are the challenges for men talking about their mental health and how can we overcome them? 

To be clear, the social narrative and expectations of masculinity form the biggest challenge for men talking about mental health. Recognising that is the first step. To try and overcome this, I believe we must re-write the rules masculinity; that is, we must use language to re-form society’s expectations of men. One way we can achieve this is by empowering men with safe spaces, like this blogging series, to speak more openly about mental health. In doing this, I believe we can create an environment that supports men experiencing mental health issues.

If you would like to get involved with our Men's Mental Health blogging series, then you can find all of the details here. You can also send us an email at blog@studentminds.org.uk for more details!

Hi, I'm Michael. I'm currently a PhD student at Durham University and wanted to write for Student Minds about my own experiences of depression, anxiety and university life.

Supporting from the field: Manchester Men’s Hockey Club

Student Minds is the chosen charity for Manchester University Men’s Hockey Club. Here, John explores why they chose Student Minds, and what hockey is like beyond the sport itself.

- John

It’s easy to assume that most university sports clubs fulfil the stereotype: a big group of lads who don’t necessarily have the capacity for sincerity, sensibility, or a conversation on the subject of anything other than ‘beer and banter’. As one of the largest clubs at Manchester University, everyone in the Men’s Hockey Club is aware that this is how we are viewed by many who don’t know us. However, the reality is actually very different.

The friends that I have in the hockey club are genuinely among the most considerate and friendly people you could possibly come across. The club has always been keen to emphasise that it is inclusive to everyone, and the experience always trumps the hearsay. I’ll always remember my very own Freshers’ Welcome Day -  every current member of the club took genuine interest and the time to ask who I was, what I was studying, and have a chat. Especially considering that I hadn’t played hockey for two years, this had the potential to be an intimidating environment, being watched by established members of the club. However, I managed not to embarrass myself, and instead I met people who I am friends with today. 

It never fails to amaze me, seeing how a sport can bring people together. We have so many members from a variety of different backgrounds, but we all have hockey in common – which at the end of the day is all that matters. This unifying factor creates a tight-knit community; the hockey boys are some of the most loyal guys I know.

This is why we decided to support Student Minds, and why it is such an important cause for us. For me, hockey is an outlet from the stresses of university life. I am a third year Architecture student, and the grade I achieve will ultimately affect the direction of my career. On top of my own personal life, that’s a lot of pressure. When I’m on that pitch, though, my only worry is the scoreline, the man I have to mark, or the pass I’m looking to play. Many will tell you that Wednesdays are sacred, and we mean it. It’s one day of the week where nothing else matters. 

Supporting Student Minds reflects what our club is to us. Hockey helps us, and we want to make sure that others have the same kind of support. 1 in 4 students suffers from a mental health issue, and while hockey is a fantastic community and support system, the pressures to perform well on the pitch can affect people, myself included. Mental wellbeing interacts with physical wellbeing, and this is a cause that is genuinely close to our hearts. 

This year, we have baked, raffled, even grown moustaches to raise money for Student Minds, and we’ve also been encouraging other clubs to take up the cause too. We’ve also just booked a charity club night, are planning a bingo evening, organising a campus league tournament, and are running the Manchester 10k in aid of Student Minds. Any of my team mates will tell you that with my asthma, I rarely last 10 minutes on the field, so 10k is a real challenge!

When you think of a university sports club now, hopefully you will see us as a group of lads who care about each other and are ready to welcome anyone into their world. Don’t get me wrong, we still have our weird traditions, and sing our songs louder than the rugby lot, but we also really care that everyone has the best possible time at university. We are proud to support Student Minds, and show that it’s ok to have problems, its ok to talk, and that even ‘the hockey lads’ have some heart.

Hi, I’m John. I’m an architecture student at Manchester and the charity secretary for the Men’s Hockey Club. I personally have suffered with mental health issues, and as a club, we are motivated to change attitudes towards it and to support Student Minds in the work that they do.