‘But I’m not depressed enough’: Don’t wait for crisis point to seek help

Romana writes about her experiences of mental health difficulties and the importance of recognising the signs, speaking up early and asking for help.

- Romana

‘By allowing myself to reach such a low point of my life before I finally got help, I made my recovery so much harder than it needed to be’.

I always knew that I was probably a little depressed. I displayed plenty of symptoms; low mood and self-esteem, avoiding social events, feelings of emptiness, self-harm. But, I was in a good relationship, I had good friends, and often, I was genuinely quite happy. Plus, I argued that because I didn’t match every symptom, I was probably coping fine. I didn’t struggle to concentrate. I was quite often tired, yes, but that was probably normal. And I definitely wasn’t suicidal. ‘There are people out there who are really struggling’, I thought, ‘I’m not depressed enough’. 

However, a friend urged me to visit a counsellor. I went, and I started a 6-week course of CBT. Although this was probably the right thing to do, I didn’t really engage with the therapy. I liked sitting down and talking to somebody about my thoughts, but I made no effort outside of the sessions. I didn’t attempt the activities that the therapist recommended. I didn’t journal my thoughts and feelings, or push myself to go to any social events. I just thought: I don’t need to have my life organised by a counsellor, I’m not depressed enough’.

When therapy ended, I carried on as I had been. I’m hardworking, so I spent a lot of time at university studying. I didn’t join any societies, I didn’t do any sports, and I definitely didn’t socialize if I could help it. Instead I would mostly just work alone in my room. I was putting immense pressure on myself to succeed and, coupled with my consistent low mood, it became a very delicate emotional balance; one which was nearly at tipping point. 

During exam season, I was confident. But then one day, I was having lunch alone, and I had a terrible panic attack. I was terrified: it felt like my entire mind and existence were falling away from me. Sitting in bed with a cup of tea afterwards, I had another. Then, that evening during dinner, another. My mind connected the dots in the wrong places, and I blamed mealtimes for this awful panic that I was feeling. The obvious solution seemed to stop eating. By my final exam, I was weak, overwhelmingly anxious, and felt like I might break down at any second. Somehow, I made it through the two-hour exam, but by the next day I had been taken home from university very ill. 

I spent the entire summer attempting to recover, trying to crawl out of the hole that I had fallen into. The hardest part was overcoming my fear of eating. I was referred to the psychiatric liaison team at the hospital, and then to the depression and anxiety service. At this point, I was really struggling. I felt helpless, and without hope. I found it hard to envision my future anymore, and struggled to fathom how I could ever be happy again. Gradually, my wellbeing improved over the three months of summer, and I was able to return to university for my final year. 

To get to where I am now has been such a long and difficult journey. By allowing myself to reach such a low point of my life before I finally got help, I made my recovery so much harder than it needed to be. Rather than accepting the help of a therapist early on, or reaching out and talking to my parents about how I felt, it took letting myself completely break down before I finally believed that I was depressed enough for help. 

The reality is: any behaviour, thoughts or feelings that are out of the ordinary for you are worth your attention. Whether your diet and sleep patterns are suffering; or you can’t find the energy to socialize anymore; or maybe sometimes your mind wanders to dark places. Ask yourself why this is happening, and make an effort to change it. It is so important not to ignore how you’re feeling, just because you don’t match all the symptoms, or because you don’t believe that your problems are valid enough. Maintaining a positive wellbeing is always important, and I can’t emphasize enough how important it is to speak up and ask for help as soon as you notice that something is wrong. 

You can find more support on depression here, anxiety here, and eating disorders here. 

My name is Romana, and I am a fourth year Maths student at the University of Exeter. I have never been one to open up about my struggles with mental health, but I have decided to write for the Student Minds blog as a way to express and understand what I have been going through, as well as to hopefully bring reassurance to others who are feeling as I have.

#DearFresherMe: Eating disorder recovery, finding balance and self-compassion

In this blog, Ana reflects on the advice she’d give her younger self on starting university with a history of mental health difficulties and learning to thrive in a time of big change and transition. 

Moving to university having suffered from an eating disorder can seem an anxious and lonely prospect. Universities place a big emphasis on socialising, which inevitably includes eating and drinking. This terrified me before leaving home: what if my eating disorder stopped me from meeting new people and not being as social as I was expected to be? Making your own food can also be really hard. The newfound independence and responsibility makes it easy to revert into old habits, and the fear of people watching me eat or commenting on my food preferences all played a part in the nervous emotions I felt leaving home.

So, as I head into my final year, what would I say to my fresher self now?

First of all, everyone has their own thing going on. People aren’t really too bothered about your odd habits or irrational insecurities. Everyone is scared, everyone is anxious and everyone is probably in the same boat, having some sort of fear. In a kind of weird way, it’s nice to remember this because it can make you feel less alien, and less alone. So just trust yourself!

Secondly, and most importantly, I would tell myself to have fun. University is a once in a life time experience. There’s so much to learn, so take advantage of that. Keep busy, find new hobbies, meet new people, and soon enough, the fears you had leaving home won’t seem so scary. You’ll end up spending the holidays waiting to go back to your student city, back to your friends, and back to studying what you love!

Having said all that, there will be days where things are difficult, and you can feel lonely. It may seem like no one understands what’s going through your head. Sometimes you just want to stay in and have time to yourself or do something to unwind. This is totally normal, and Yoga and Meditation societies often have plenty of members keen to take a step back and enjoy some time to chill. 

No matter what you feel, there is always support and someone you can talk to. There will always be someone who ‘gets’ it, whether you final them in a mental health society or amongst your flatmates. The wellbeing departments at university also offer amazing support: they understand that university can be a fun but challenging time, and the big changes can continue to affect you even once you’ve settled in. Don’t be afraid to reach out. It’s normal to struggle sometimes, and as much as everyone else seems to be having fun, almost all of us will feel a bit blue at some point throughout the year. 

Finally, find the balance of you-time and having fun. They’re both as important as each other. Before you know it, you’ll be in your graduation gown thinking, where did the time go?!

I’m a third year Drama student at University of Exeter, and have loved my time at uni. There have been ups and downs but I wouldn’t change a thing. I am hoping to share my experience of my own mental health struggles in order to reassure someone moving to university that everything always works out!

Body Positivity During Bikini Season

Leah shares her top tips for keeping body positive during the pressures of "bikini season".

- Leah

Summer is approaching and that’s super exciting… until social media starts calling it “bikini season”. While the label may seem perfectly harmless and commonplace, it’s toxic because it suggests that you are obligated to wear a bikini between the hot, sticky months of June to August, which can cause a lot of anxiety. It also means that a lot of people are going to start scary fad diets and unrealistic exercise regimes, focusing on getting skinny rather than improving health and fitness.

As someone who has struggled with disordered eating and body image issues throughout my life, I have felt that as soon as “bikini season” draws nearer, I experience a resurgence of self-doubt and insecurity. The thought of feeling obligated to wear skimpy clothing to the beach and take pictures for Instagram is daunting to say the least. The thought of needing to additionally “fix” my body for this moment, throws my memory right back into my worst days. These thoughts can feel like a huge setback in the progress I’ve made. I can go most of the year oozing confidence and body positivity, and that’s a huge accomplishment for me that’s taken a lot of time and energy. Still, the challenge of remaining steadfast in my own confidence gets much harder as the summer approaches.

Over the years, I have learned that “Bikini Season” is such a narrow way to look at such an exciting, fun period of the year, that really does not require you to wear a bikini at all. What I have learned is that you can pick clothes that make you feel comfy and confident in the summer, in the same way that you do in the winter. If a bikini doesn’t feel right to you, that doesn’t make you less than in anyway. Wear a one piece, board shorts, a wetsuit, or a space suit for all it matters.

So, here’s my advice, as someone who has put my own bikini body through a lot of criticism and realized there is another way to look at things:

● Do a whole beach day without taking a bikini photo!
Social media can be dangerous, not just because of the photoshopped and unrealistic points of comparison. I often find myself happily and confidently prancing around in a bikini until I see a photo of myself posted. Then I begin to scrutinize, second guess, and panic. I always wish I stayed off of social media and just enjoyed myself in the moment!

● Push your own boundaries a bit.
Push your own boundaries a little bit to wear things that you love but may have not always found yourself fully confident in. This should not be based on what you see worn around you, but what you yourself would like to be in. It gets HOT and no one should be trapped sweating in baggy, uncomfortable clothes all summer. Try to wear something daring even once this summer and you may be endlessly glad that you did.

● Your progress is real and valid.
The thought of putting on a bikini can feel very triggering, and the resurgence of insecurities can seem to invalidate your progress. This is not the case in the long run! The progress you have made is very valid and is a continuous journey on the path to self-acceptance. Talk to yourself as you would a close friend and remind yourself that it is okay to still be working on your self-image.

My name is Leah, I'm an almost-graduate from the University of Toronto. I've been working to find self love and happiness for a long time, and I am excited to be sharing some of what I've learned with students across the globe

What Doesn't Work?

Paula discusses unhelpful pieces of advice she has been given during her recovery from Anorexia.

- Paula

During my recovery from anorexia I relied on suggestions given by doctors, therapists as well as people who had already won the battle. I’d like to mention three pieces of advice that definitely did NOT work for me. Please keep in mind that everybody (and every body) is different, so if in doubt, always follow your team’s advice.

1. Keep your environment trigger-free.

In many treatment centres it’s not only a suggestion, it’s a formal rule. No health magazines with recent fad diets lying around. No discussions about food. Clothing must cover certain body parts.

I agree that trigger-free environment makes recovery easier. For example, reading a weight-loss meal plan just before being served a high-calorie lunch can make the meal extremely difficult. The same goes for looking at actresses with “perfect” (i.e. probably photoshopped) bodies when you need to accept your own weight gain.

However, our world is full of triggers for eating disorder sufferers. If I was getting a pound each time I hear someone talking about weights, calories, workouts or “healthy” and “unhealthy” foods, I’d be a millionaire. In my opinion recovery should let us live freely in the real-world, not only behind the walls of an eating disorder treatment centre.

2. Avoid cardio workout, but do some strength training and go for walks.

I believed this one for years before I decided to just quit exercise cold turkey. In principle building muscle is good for us, and it doesn’t burn too many calories. And walks? These innocent strolls in the fresh air? They can’t do any harm, can they?

Well, it’s more about the mindset than anything else. Sedentary lifestyle felt horrendous for me while I was recovering. I always felt I SHOULD do something, whatever, just as long as I’m moving. But guess what – healthy people don’t get anxious when they spend days going car-office-car-home. Challenging the fear of not exercising was one of the key parts of my recovery and helped me develop a healthy relationship with exercise.

Some might argue that exercise releases endorphins, so helpful for ED sufferers who tend to be depressed as well. However, if we follow this argument, there exists an excellent alternative method of getting the daily dose of happiness hormones. Chocolate. So think about it – if you care so much about endorphins, would you ever pick chocolate as an alternative to your exercise routine? If not, think about the reasons.

3. You need to focus 100% on your recovery.

Which means you probably should take a break from school/work, read recovery books and keep doing CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) exercises in your free time.

While I agree that recovery should be your priority, I also believe that one can overdo it. By no means am I saying that you’re allowed to skip meals or exercise “once in a while” (check point 2). However, recovery shouldn’t be about recovery, but about life. Chances are your ED made you forget who you are, what you enjoy, who you like. Therapy is important, but I think that the actual healing takes place in everyday life.

I truly started recovering when I began to build my life from scratch. Going out. Getting back to my hobbies. Making friends. You need some motivation to recover, something that will show you how much you’re missing when food and numbers are constantly on your mind. As long as your hobby doesn’t involve running or meal planning, go for it!

Whatever you do, make sure that the person in control is the real you, not the sneaky eating disorder. And if you haven’t found your voice yet (which is perfectly fine), always consult a trusted person. Never forget that recovery is possible!

Hi! I'm Paula, a PhD Maths student. I'd like to share my thoughts about mental health in graduate school.

ED and PhD

Paula discusses the impact of studying towards a PhD on ED recovery and how it can be possible to work towards both.

-Paula

You struggle every single day, you might feel constantly overwhelmed, confused and lost. It can seem that nobody around you understands what you’re going through. You have some smaller and bigger successes, but more often you fail. These are the signs of recovering from an eating disorder. Or doing a PhD. And even though their consequential issues seem so similar, they often don’t go together too well.

You might have successfully gotten through high school and college while battling an eating disorder. You’re still recovering and you think that you can keep working on your health while doing a PhD. Should you? Or rather, why should you NOT?

You might be surprised how big a role food plays in academia. Seminars often mean wine and cheese receptions or at least coffee and pastries. Your collaborator invites you for a lunch to discuss a new idea. Finally, you attend a conference and you eat weird food in weird times and places. No “safe” options- nobody cares that pizza freaks you out or that you don’t eat after 8pm.

In principle, there’s always an option of avoiding it, such as going to a seminar and skipping the pastry or travelling to a conference with a bag of your favourite “safe” food. This worked in college, didn’t it? Trust me, it would be definitely noticed in academia. Food is a social activity and its quality or nutritional values really don’t matter.

Let’s say you somehow overcome the difficulties connected to the frequent presence of food in academia. The problem is, you’ll still be constantly thinking about it. Analysing how much you’ve eaten and if you can allow yourself one more sandwich. Coming up with a sneaky plan to skip a conference session and go for a run. See what’s happening here? You’re supposed to be thinking about Maths/Biology/History/whatever your PhD is in. And yet, instead of listening to the keynote speaker, you’re analysing and reanalysing the nutritional value of your past and future meals.

If you did your undergraduate degree in the UK, you’re probably used to constant support: personal tutors, hall wardens etc. You knew that if you struggled, they’d be there for you. That someone will get concerned if you lose too much weight. That they’ll make sure you’re ok.

PhD is a different story. If you’re lucky (like I am), you may have a supervisor who notices warning signs and asks how you’re doing. However, in many cases advisers treat their students as paper-producing machines. They discuss with them only academic issues, the personal life doesn’t matter as long as they provide results. I’m not claiming that academics are heartless creatures, but in reality all researchers are extremely busy and most of them simply don’t have time to babysit their students.

Am I saying that if you have an eating disorder you should forget about your PhD dreams? Absolutely not! My only advice is to time it carefully. If you’re currently interested in doing a PhD, I strongly advise you to discuss it with your treatment team. Maybe in your particular case entering grad school would be actually a good idea, who knows. The abovementioned difficulties in juggling research with eating problems could even motivate you to recover for good.

If you do decide to start a PhD while recovering from an ED, ensure that:

• You get regular meetings with your treatment team, which means that if you’re moving miles away, you may need to schedule regular trips home, arrange Skype meetings or even consider a new team, if all other options aren’t possible.

• Someone (not yourself!) is checking your weight.

• You have social life, so you need to plan to meet new friends in grad school. This could be through societies, student accommodation or a research group.

• You are familiar with the support system of your university. This may include counselling services, departmental welfare officers or a caring supervisor.

• You and your team are SURE you’re ready.

PhD and ED recovery can go together. However, they both require time and determination- the more you focus on your own health now, the faster the recovery process will be. That’s why I recommend that you think about your options carefully, because entering grad school healthy ultimately increases the likelihood that you will have a better experience.

No matter if you choose to do your PhD now or wait until you’re healthier, be sure to make the most of it. Good luck!

Hi! I'm Paula, a PhD Maths student. I'd like to share my thoughts about mental health in graduate school.

Misconceptions about Eating Disorders

For Eating Disorders Awareness Week, Mary talks about the common misconceptions of eating disorders students face.

- Mary

Students have the stereotype of having an unhealthy lifestyle: eating too much fast food, not eating enough fruit and veg, and drinking too much alcohol which adds to students’ already growing pressure to perform. Eating disorders are also stereotyped, creating stigma and common misconceptions about them. Having an eating disorder at university, combined with the pressure of being a student can be overwhelming, which is why we need to banish the common misconceptions about eating disorders so that it is easier for people to open up about them. 

1. People who have eating disorders are thin

People of all body shapes can have an eating disorder. In the media, people with eating disorders are generally portrayed as very underweight but this isn’t an accurate portrayal of reality. People’s weight fluctuates, therefore just by looking at someone, you cannot judge whether they have an eating disorder. You can be underweight, overweight, or have a ‘healthy’ weight and have an eating disorder.

2. Eating disorders are about vanity

Yes, a part of eating disorders relate to the way someone sees themselves. But this isn’t only about physical appearance – developing an eating disorder is not something somebody does for the sake of how they look, but for other reasons such as a way to control something in their life.

3. Men don’t get eating disorders

Anyone can get an eating disorder. Whilst it is true that high proportion of people who suffer from eating disorders are young women, particularly those going through key transition stages in their life, such as from school to adult life etc., eating disorders occur across all genders (and ages, for that matter), male eating disorders shouldn’t be overlooked. this has led to the common misconception that men or people identifying as a gender which doesn’t include female do not experience eating disorders. 

4. There are only a couple of eating disorders

Wrong, there are lots of different types of eating disorders beyond anorexia and bulimia, and symptoms vary from person to person. Just like the flu, there are lots of different types and some symptoms or characteristics affect certain people more than others. 

5. It’s all in the mind, there are no physical symptoms

There are multiple physical symptoms and they vary between types of eating disorders, and they can be very dangerous. 

These are just five examples of the misconceptions about eating disorders. This is why it is important to increase awareness in universities. If more people are aware of eating disorders and how they affect individuals, there is more chance that people will be willing to open up about them. The more people know, the more support that can be offered from coursemates, housemates and friends at university. 

As a student, certain situations can make it more difficult to deal with problems like this. It is important to take time out of your busy university schedule to check your wellbeing. One of the biggest things that makes it hard for people to open up about eating disorders are the common misconceptions which further increase stigma. Therefore, starting the conversation at your university is an important way to increase understanding and decrease stigma for your fellow students. Students and young people are the next generations in society, and by opening up conversations, we can effect change, making our society an easier place to talk about, accept and overcome eating disorders. 

Hi, I’m Mary. I recently graduated from The University of Nottingham. During my time there I was part of Nottingham’s Student Minds committee; it was here that I found out about Student Minds’ blog. Mental health is still something very stigmatised and not always talked about. So, I thought I’d try my hand at starting conversations about it and if they help just one person, it’s a step in the right direction.

Returning to uni after eating disorder treatment

Laura reflects on the highs and lows of returning to university after taking a year out to receive treatment for anorexia.

-Laura

After a whole year at home doing little more than attend therapy appointments, make meal plans, volunteer at my old primary school and do hundreds of crosswords, I was heading back to uni. I’m not going to say that the past year was transformative, or even that it miraculously made me recover, because I am still fighting anorexia day after day. It was a tough year and it tested me, but I realised that sitting around waiting for recovery to come along was pointless, because truthfully it wasn’t going to happen like that. I’m not going to one day decide to get better, especially if I have nothing tangible to get better for. Which is why I decided to go back: for purpose, for direction, for a future.

Nothing was plain sailing, but there were some overwhelmingly positive things to come out of returning to university. And the best? Normality! Finally, for the first time in a long time, my day was not completely structured around when/what I would eat and my mind was not completely consumed by my eating disorder. I was *almost* a normal, 21-year-old student, and it felt great. It was great to be stressed about an upcoming assessment rather than thinking about calories. It was great to talk about something besides anorexia, it was great to laugh and share and have fun. I loved being back in a city. I loved learning again, and I felt excited about learning from people at the forefront of their field. Anorexia had taken so much away from me, and I was finally starting to reclaim my life.

But inevitably, there was the bad stuff. With nobody to be accountable to, nobody to tell me what to eat and when, the ball fell in my court: I was alone, and I struggled, but I had an incredible support system and they were there for me unconditionally. I had bad days with anxiety, I found socialising difficult, but I did it regardless. I pushed through the worry and the fear and the panic and the misery and the negative feelings and I made it through the whole term. I am not ashamed to say, I am proud of myself.

I fully believe that university isn’t easy for anyone. I think it can be a place of loneliness and ostracism and I think it can breed mental illness. The pressure is intense from all angles: you have to be sociable, but also studious, you have to be sporty or talented but academic and conscientious, you have to volunteer and get work experience but also complete every essay by the deadline and get a decent grade. You have to have your career plan sorted, your CV overflowing and your contact list ever-increasing. You are expected to do everything and be everything, but it’s not possible.

Pressure like this is what pushes people to the edge; it’s what pushes people over the edge. It’s important that people aren’t ashamed to ask for help, and it’s important that they know what help is out there should they need it. Because what’s the point of pushing yourself to breaking point for a degree if it has such a detrimental impact upon your health? We need to preach balance, breaks, and better mental health care to stop university becoming such a difficult place to thrive for some.

If you are worried about yourself or a friend please visit here for further support.

Hi, I'm Laura! I’m a final year student at university and after struggling with anorexia for almost two years, I wanted to share some of my experiences with the hope of encouraging students to speak out and helping others feel less alone. 

You can start that conversation - it's Time to Talk

Jess shares how helpful talking about her mental health was for her journey and encourages you to reach out to a friend. 

- Jessica Mell

I cannot imagine it. I expect it feels like a bottle of fizzy drink; every day you get shaken, sometimes a little, sometimes a lot, and you try desperately hard to contain everything, making sure that as the pressure builds and builds, you make sure the cap is screwed on tighter and tighter. You carry on with your daily routine, putting a smile on your face and pretending like everything is ok. Does anyone else suffer with this intensely exhausting accumulation of thoughts? Obviously not- nobody else is talking about it…

When I say I cannot imagine it, that’s a lie. I know exactly how it feels. I know that it feels like a bottle of fizzy drink. I know that it feels like you are the only person having to deal with the incredibly draining thoughts. I spent 9 months training to find someone, something or anything to make me realise that I was not the only person going through this. But there was nothing.

And that’s when I found it. Courage. Sitting on my bed in the hospital, I turned to my parents and said that I was going to tell everybody that I was suffering with Anorexia Nervosa and that I was currently hospitalised because of my condition. I felt like I had nothing to loose, I wasn’t ashamed and I figured I would rather get in there first before rumours were spread about my disappearance.

“As most of you will have gathered by now, I am currently in receiving treatment for Anorexia. I just want to thank everybody for their support over the past few weeks, and for all the lovely cards and messages you have sent. I am in the right place now to get this sorted and get my life back on track ”

There it was- the best post I have ever made on Facebook and the start of a brand new journey. I decided right then that I never wanted anybody to feel the same way that I did and I was going to be open and honest about my mental health difficulties. I signed the Time to Talk pledge, spoke on the radio numerous times, wrote newspaper articles, started a blog and made speaking about mental health become a part of my life. People approached me in person, over Facebook or through my blog to ask questions, talk about their own experiences and thank me for sharing mine. I heard stories of people not understanding what they were experiencing, feeling alone and not knowing what to do. Can you imagine your brother, parent or best friend feeling like that?

You can start that conversation. Text a friend you haven’t heard from in a while and ask them how they are, or make a hot drink for someone and make time to have a conversation. Whichever way you approach it, just remember that the most important thing that you can do is listen. It can sometimes be hard to know what to say, and even as someone that has been through a diagnosis myself, I still worry about what I say to other people that I have conversations with. However, I have found the advice and tips on Student Minds ‘Look After Your Mate’ page and on the Time to Talk website to be extremely helpful. From thinking about where is the right place to start a conversation to considering how you phrase your responses; there are so many useful resources available to help you make that important step for someone you care about. But don’t be scared or worried about what you say, the crucial detail is that you are there; you have taken time out to speak to that person and you have given them an opportunity to talk.

‘Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.’ – Winston Churchill

Having experienced my own mental health issues, I am passionate about raising awareness and supporting organisations that have the capacity to help other individuals that are suffering. As the founder and president of Sheffield Hallam SU Student Minds, I hope to engage students using Student Minds campaigns and blog and fundraise in order to help this amazing charity continue the great work that they do! 

Mental Health over Christmas: Catrin

The Christmas and New Year period often involves pressure to indulge in wintery food or engage in New Year's Resolution health kicks. Catrin explains how she provides herself support and stability through difficult times in eating disorder recovery.

- Catrin Haberfield

1. What do you enjoy most about the winter holiday period?

More than anything, I love the distinct sensory aspects of Christmas: the smell of the tree in the lounge, how bright everything seems when it has snowed, and the smoky warmth of the house filled with candles. It’s crazy how certain smells or tastes trigger such specific memories or feelings of comfort and warmth and family. 

2. What do you find most difficult during the holidays?

Food is always more stressful for me at home than at university, and the winter period is definitely the hardest. Since I’m semi-catered at uni, I have structure imposed upon me for my meals; I have lunch at 12:30p and dinner at 6pm. At home, it’s entirely down to me to stick to a reasonable meal plan, not to restrict or binge or engage in any other disordered behaviour. To make matters worse, keywords like ‘binge’, ‘treat’, ‘cheat’ come hand in hand with Christmas festivities, while both companies and individuals use the New Year as an excuse to reinforce diet culture. Everyone, from friends to family to social media, is banging on about being ‘naughty’ for eating ‘bad’ food, or lamenting the loss of their ‘summer bod’. It’s chaos. Food is not inherently good or bad; it just is. Ascribing value to certain foods and placing more worth on smaller bodies is such a toxic way to view the world, and it’s almost impossible to avoid situations involving food at Christmas.

3. Taking some time out from all the festivities to look after yourself can be really helpful. What do you do to help your mental health during the holidays?

My best friend and I make a point to always be there for each other, and Christmas is no exception. If family time gets too much then I can just pop into my room and call her, and the same goes for her. I also try to find a balance between work, rest, and socialising – the latter two definitely aren’t the same thing! I have a massive amount of work this holiday, and I know I’m useless at working in the morning, so I try to take mornings off and work in the afternoons. 

4. What present would you give yourself over the holidays?

I’d give myself two gifts. Firstly, I’d clear out my entire wardrobe and donate all the clothes that don’t fit me anymore. There are some clothes that I still hold on to on the off chance that they’ll ever fit me again, though I know they never will. Donating them is one way to completely let go of the old, smaller, disordered me. The second gift I’d give myself would be some decent headphones; listening to music lifts my mood, but I know that when my depression gets worse I tend to isolate myself. I bought myself a Spotify subscription three months ago and listening to music on a regular basis has already made an amazing difference to my mood.

5. What are your New Year’s Resolutions?

I know that New Year’s Resolutions can be helpful for a lot of people, but I don’t believe that you need to wait for a new year to make a change. Even when you have a bad day, you don’t have to wait for tomorrow – you can restart your day at any point. I guess that if I had to have a New Year’s Resolution, it would be to continue the upward trajectory I’ve been on for the past few months. Recovery isn’t a straight line – it’s more like a scatter graph, and I want to keep the correlation positive.

Hi folks! I'm Catrin, a third year Medieval English Language and Literature student at Somerville College, Oxford. I've always been super vocal when it comes to mental health; I love pushing boundaries and challenging people's assumptions about mental illness. I live with mental illness, so I know how much both the illnesses and the stigma can affect your life, as well as the lives of others. I'm incredibly excited to be a Sub-Editor for Student Minds, and I can't wait to help other people share their stories!

Mental Health over Christmas: Hope Virgo

Hope Virgo, as part of our Mental Health Over the Holidays blogging series, encourages us to slow down over this winter holiday period. 

-Hope Virgo

Although Christmas time can be a lot of fun, it can also be an incredibly tough time of the year too. Therefore, we want to bring this to light and ensure nobody feels alone.

What do you enjoy most about the winter holiday period?

The holiday period allows me to switch off and rest. This is something I really struggle with most of the year when I dash from place to place, pushing myself further and further to the edge. But Christmas gives me time to restock and recharge my batteries. What is great about Christmas is that I don’t get the normal guilt I feel when I slow down as I know everyone else is doing the same. I absolutely love allowing myself to relax. Giving myself lazy mornings in bed, time laying on the sofa and the slower pace of life.

What do you find most difficult during the holidays?

The food - although this has been much less of a problem over the years and I feel more able to relax around it. But there is still some general anxiety. ‘Will I eat too much?’ ‘Will I have enough?’ 

All these questions flood through my brain and I have to use techniques I learnt when I was in treatment to calm my mind. The thing that I have found really helps is to talk. I will tell those who I am with for Christmas if it is getting to be too much for me. The other thing I do is reassure myself that I don’t have to eat all the food that is there. Yes, when there is so much food around it panics me, but no one is making me eat it all and I can now trust myself to have the right amount.

Anorexia shouldn’t ruin my Christmas anymore!

Taking some time out from all the festivities to look after yourself can be really helpful. What do you do to help your mental health during the holidays?

On Christmas day I always make sure that I go for a walk on my own just for 30 minutes or so to get out and about. It gives me time to reflect on the day and to think about how far I have come in my recovery. For me it is really important to have that little bit of me time. 

What present would you give yourself over the holidays?

Shellac – this is one of my favourite self-care activities. A pricey but good treat. For me, when I am struggling with my mental health the first things I stop doing are washing my hair and painting my nails etc. As I find Christmas stressful sometimes it is important to put me first and give myself an incentive to take care of myself.

Reflecting on last year:

Something that hit me last year at Christmas was the support on social media that I receive. It was the evening of Christmas Day when I posted a tweet:

“Congrats to all who have had/ have an ‪#eatingdisorder‬ for surviving Xmas! if you are stressing tomorrow ‪@beatED‬ helpline is open from 4-8PM”

I was congratulating the 725,000 in the UK with eating disorders, and the millions of people around the world who were fighting their own mental health issues. I was amazed at the responses I got, and I felt blessed that there were so many people uniting across the world. Millions of strangers standing together to fight the stigma of mental health issues and supporting everyone who might be struggling. I know that social media can be dangerous at times and that people can use it in the wrong way. But posting that tweet reminded me of the amazing support I get on twitter from some incredible people.

I feel confident that this Christmas I can relax that little bit more, get that little bit less anxious about the food. Each year is a step further forward to beating anorexia and not letting it ruin Christmas.  If you are struggling I wish you the best of luck this Christmas and remember to take care and treat yourself!


If you would like to get involved in our Christmas blogging series, you can find all of the details here.

Hope Virgo suffered with anorexia for over four years before being admitted to hospital in 2007. She lived in the hospital for a year, fighting one of the hardest battles of her life. Since being discharged, she has fought to stay well. Hope Virgo Hope recently published her book; Stand Tall Little Girl.  She now wants to use her experiences of mental illness to champion the rights of others, inspire them to get well, and to help break the stigma of mental health difficulties. You can see what she is up to here.

How Volunteering helped me with my Mental Health

Charlotte shares her experiences of Volunteering with local Mental Health charities.

- Charlotte Morley

Before coming to University, I struggled with a 5-year long battle with my mental health. I spent years of my adolescence receiving treatment from a psychiatrist and a therapist for my Depression, Eating Disorder and issues with Self Harm. Now, as a 3rd year and soon to be graduate with a BSc degree in Psychology, I want to reflect on how my mental health affected my experiences at University.

Being a self-confessed perfectionist, when the prospect of attending University was on the horizon, I threw every ounce of my energy into attaining the best grades possible to study the subject that I love, Psychology, at the University of East Anglia (UEA) where I felt at ease as soon as I visited. When results day arrived and I saw the confirmation of my acceptance into the university, I was bursting with excitement for my new journey in a chapter of my life where I could leave my mental health problems behind me.

However, amidst all of the excitement for my ''new start'' and my new-found independence in a life away from the comforts of my own home, I didn't really consider how such a massive transition could make me vulnerable to slipping back into my illnesses and leave me questioning whether I really should've deferred from a year.

Moving into halls was both an exciting and incredibly frightening experience. Although I've never necessarily struggled to make friends, I'm a family-oriented person and being away from them for months at a time felt quite daunting. My family were a big source of support for my mental health and suddenly there were going to be two and half hours away from me. Luckily, my first couple of weeks as a fresher was quite typical: nights out, the dreaded fresher's flu, coupled with the chorus of coughing in 9am lectures that you dragged yourself to, reluctantly. However, as the month progressed, I soon revelled in the fact that I had complete control and independence, and this was massively detrimental to my mental health. I became increasingly withdrawn and I started reverting to my previous eating disorder behaviours and relapsed into depression again. I was a signature away from dropping out altogether and going back home for good. Luckily, the fear of failure and disappointment, as well as the thought of losing my new friends, made me persevere and I made it through until Christmas break. However, I returned home for Christmas having lost a significant and dramatic amount of weight.

Panic soon set in and I just knew that when I returned to University in January, I had to do something to prevent this from spiralling back to the way I used to be. When I came back to University in January, having increased my weight slightly, I sought out help through the university to get things back on track. I began to notice changes. I also made a decision that has contributed significantly to achieving stability. To help tackle my feelings of isolation, I started volunteering with charities that were close to my heart.

Volunteering gave me a tremendous sense of hope and purpose, which helped me to establish my sense of identity. I volunteered regularly as a Peer Support Volunteer with MIND and Rethink Mental Illness, where I encountered some incredibly brave individuals suffering from debilitating and enduring forms of mental illness. The lovely people who attended these support groups knew me by name and looked forward to seeing me every week and confiding in me about their struggles. It gave structure to my week, which is SO important when you're struggling with your mental health and increased my levels of social support. Research has consistently shown that volunteering has favourable effects on mental health and I would advise anyone, whether suffering with their mental health at University or not, to engage in volunteering in their community, and especially within causes that are meaningful to you. I truly believe that I wouldn't still be at university without it.

Hi, I'm Charlotte. I'm a 3rd year Psychology student at UEA with a compelling enthusiasm for talking about all things mental health. I'm an avid volunteer and am passionate about contributing to my local community by partaking in a range of charity work. The transition to University can pose a huge strain on your mental health and I wanted to write for Student Minds to share my personal experiences with my mental health, raise awareness, and talk about the strategies I have implemented to look after myself whilst studying.

The Perils of Perfectionism

Catrin discusses the effect that anxiety and perfectionism have on university life, and how easy it is to put unnecessary stress on yourself. She explores the high-pressure environment at the University of Oxford, and how stress can be a competitive sport.

- Catrin Haberfield

University is hard. Brilliant, but hard, no matter where you are or what you study. I’m in my third year at Somerville College, Oxford, and I’ve truly loved every minute of it. My course is fantastic – I’ve had the chance to study everything from Beowulf to Dickens, Chaucer to Stoppard, and I’m having a whale of a time researching runic epigraphy for my dissertation. My college is amazing too: the welfare, food, accommodation, and people are all wonderful. But while the past two years have been an absolutely incredible experience, they’ve also been extremely challenging. 

One in four university students experiences mental health issues; at Oxford, it’s closer to one in two. I’m not stating this to gain sympathy, or to try and convince people that Oxford students are ‘special snowflakes’. I know that I’m at quite literally the best university in the world, and I’m proud of my achievements, but it can’t be escaped that standards here are high and so many people push themselves to breaking point just to live up to expectations. To make matters worse, these expectations can often be self-imposed. I definitely think that most Oxford students have a perfectionist streak, but with the sheer amount of work we’re given it’s hard to be 100% on point for every essay, tute sheet, or presentation. All too often, stress becomes competitive, and having four essays and reading list a mile long is worn like a badge of honour. But there’s nothing more futile, nothing more unhelpful, than constant self-deprecation coupled with high expectations.

I’ve lived with anxiety for years, and have struggled with depression and an eating disorder at various points of my life. A lot of these issues stem from perfectionism, and manifest as unhealthy coping mechanisms for stress. Eating disorders and self-harm, for example, often develop as ways to regain control over one part of your life when you feel powerless in other areas. During my first year, my eating disorder developed into bulimia, my depression reached an all-time low, a relationship ended, and my grandfather died. Add all of these things together, and top it off with a healthy dose of two essays a week (plus learning Old English from scratch), and you can see why I struggled. 

But – and this is the important thing – you don’t have to have a mental illness to struggle at uni. You don’t have to be mentally ill to find things hard. Everyone has their own mental health, the same way everyone has their own physical health, and you need to look after both. Stress is a natural part of life, and a certain amount is absolutely a healthy thing. Can you imagine if you didn’t get stressed about anything? You’d never be motivated, or interested, or scared. Life would be boring. But don’t make things harder by putting more pressure on yourself than you need. Set realistic goals, find a balance between work and play, and don’t punish yourself for taking an evening (or even a whole weekend) off. I guess my point is: be nice to yourself. You deserve it.

Hi folks! I'm Catrin, a third year Medieval English Language and Literature student at Somerville College, Oxford. I've always been super vocal when it comes to mental health; I love pushing boundaries and challenging people's assumptions about mental illness. I live with mental illness, so I know how much both the illnesses and the stigma can affect your life, as well as the lives of others. I'm incredibly excited to be a Sub-Editor for Student Minds, and I can't wait to help other people share their stories!

Assumptions and Acceptance

Using her own experience Rachael shows how a bad start to university doesn't have to put you off university education. 

-Rachael Johnston

My welcome to higher education wasn't all that great to begin with. I was studying a counselling degree with the hope to work in early intervention programs for children who were struggling emotionally.  I was honest about having Anorexia & Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), however, when it came to placement year I was pulled into a room and was told I would be a danger to myself and others!

The tutors had googled BPD and basically just read the bad stuff related to it. I was heartbroken, especially with it coming from my tutors who were counsellors. I'd worked so hard and was fully aware I would need to be conscious of my own state of mind during the placement and in the profession.

While this was happening, I had given a talk about my journey to a group of university students on a Childhood & Youth Professional Studies course. I explained the situation I was in and explained the direction I wanted to head in. There and then the lecturer told me about their course and the help on offer through disability support.

Within 2 weeks student finance had been sorted and my disabled student allowance (DSA). Right from the start, the support I recieved was amazing. I had an independent learning plan which was sent to my tutors and I had a copy. It explained all my needs and any behaviours to watch out for (which I had agreed to) - that I may just leave the lecture as often I just need to walk round to get myself back focused.

There was no pressure to read my marks straight away from assignments and if I was struggling it was okay. There was no judgement. Even today as I enter my final year, it's still the same.

The other year I received a phone call from the course lead as I'd taken an overdose just after we broke up for summer - there was no judgement and no well "uni isn't for you" which I had had in the past.

My support plan is followed to the letter (as it should be) and although I've had a couple of extensions for my assignments due to declines in my health, it's never been an issue.

My greatest support for my uni support is my mentor, who is funded through my DSA. I've built up a trusting relationship with her and she keeps everyone updated, with my permission. I struggle with going into the library to get books so she's worked with me to build up the courage to do it. I honestly wonder if I would have carried on with my course at times if it wasn't for the fact I have her to rant and ramble to, she goes above and beyond and I really appreciate it.

I recently had a matter around student finance and phoned/emailed my lead tutor in a panic, she helped to resolve the matter and calmed me down, she knew the matter would be sorted but didn’t discredit my racing thoughts and feelings, as she knew this would just make my BPD spiral.

University is often a bumpy journey. I've had to adjust to new situations and overcome darker days. I feel very humbled that I have joined a university that has accepted and encouraged me, and one that has taken the time to understand that my mental health is only a small part of the 26 year old that is looking forward to graduating in 2018.

Feeling low? Find local support at your university, here. Find further information, support and advice on the Student Minds website.




Hi, I'm Rachael. I'm currently studying Childhood and Youth Professional Studies at the University of Chester and wanted to write for Student Minds as I have Anorexia and Borderline Personality Disorder and wanted to show that having mental health issues doesn't have to stop you from studying.